The lights are low. The room is silent as the audience waits impatiently for the beginning of the show. Music plays as the author steps out. The audience roars with clapping.
Yes, yes, thank you; you all are too kind. I am glad to announce that this is our first show. You all are in for a treat. Today our interviewee involves one of my favorite characters–
The mic is immediately snatched from the author by a brunnette man.
“Ah, it works. Just had to check.”
The man gives the author back the microphone and sits down on the red couch.
“Shall we begin?”
It seems that our guest has changed. What is your name again?
“Leo Pvinsky at your service.” He tips his hat toward the author.
I’m not sure if you have heard, but this is an interview for my characters. You are not my character. You are just some stupid-ass hobo that just happened to walk on to my stage and–
“Don’t worry. Daymion can’t come today.”
You’re kidding me.
“No. I would not kid with you.”
Tch, fine. Apparently we will be interviewing Leo Pvinsky, the…um…who are you?
“You should really learn about your characters. I am the star of your new romance story which you will post on your blog every week.”
I never said that though.
“I said that. I’m the character. You should listen to me.”
Is that why you barged your way into here and probably poisoned my favorite character in order to get an interview and meet the fabulous me? Isn’t that a bit too much?
“I have already met you. Now you’re just looking for a story, so I came to you..”
I never said I wanted to write a story, especially not with a Soviet Communist like you. I already have two wannabe-Russian friends; I don’t need to deal with another.
“I am not a Soviet. I am part of the Urbem Argentum.”
But you are a Soviet.
“You Americans are rather cute. The Soviet Union has been disbanded for twenty one years, therefore I am not a Soviet.”
But your accent–
“Is interesting, is it not?”
Fine, fine. Your determination has won me over. I’ll interview you instead.
“I knew you would see it my way.”
Mr. Scary Russian guy–
“I’m from Belarus.”
Fine. Mr. Big-N-Scary-Guy-From-a-Country-I’ve-Never-Heard-Of, please tell me what your profession is?
“I work under the Divini in the interrogation squad.”
Do you use torture?
“If I must. Then I am allowed to wipe their minds after.”
How would you torture your…informants I guess?
“I refer to them as terrorists. I typically use water torture. That is the most entertaining, if you know what I mean. Recently I have found playing the ‘good cop’ helps most of these terrorists break down a lot faster than just using strict torture. It is a rather old study on human nature, but we are doing more studies into human nature in order to better interrogate these terrorists.”
Water torture does sound entertaining. I may have to claim you as my character now.
So what classifies an individual as a terrorist?
“The definition of a terrorist refers to one who threatens to use force or violence against a government in order to accomplish their means.”
Are terrorists the only ones you deal with?
“I also interrogate those who enter the country, those who are leaving on business, and those who are engaged in suspicious activity.”
Ah! So you know most of the assassins.
“I would not say we are on speaking terms, but yes, I know every assassin.”
This is getting pretty boring now. Tell me something interesting about yourself.
“People are typically afraid of me.”
And I wouldn’t know why…
“Sarcasm is not necessary. Have you finished conducting your interview?”
Not yet! Why are the first character that actually hijacked my mind and made me interview them?
“I am a part of your subconscious. I cannot merely ‘hijack’ your mind.”
That’s what you did though. You completely took over and forced me to watch a chapter of your life, and pretty creepy one while we’re at it.
“I do not think my life is creepy. It is rather pleasant.”
Answer my question! You aren’t a politician so don’t try to act like one.
“Ah, yes. I am one of the first developed characters you have ever created. I have a distinct voice, unlike many of your characters who share a similar voice to your own. My looks are my own and has nothing to do with your fetishes. I do not smoke, unlike some. I am my own complete person.
“And yet you ignore me.”
Wait, wait. How long have you been in there? I never knew that I had a person up there, just waiting around for a story.
“I was created from the ‘Dark Man’ as you named him, so about two years ago if my math is correct. I tried not to let myself be noticed by you since you were focused on the Urbem and the assassins there. I doubt you would have known me even if I showed up.
“Also, I was afraid you might kill me off.”
Why the hell did you show up now?
“Boredom. Mine and yours.”
That explains a little, I guess. So you expect me to give you your own side story and give up on my other main characters?
“Side characters are fun too. The ones to the side are always your favorite.”
That is true. So why can’t you be from the Soviet Union?
“I am from Belarus.”
I know that! But wasn’t Belarus like part of the USSR?
“You used Wikapedia didn’t you?”
Shut up! And why can’t you support my decisions?Rivera and Divna were going to the main characters of the next part!
“But I am more interesting.”
You’re getting ahead of yourself there.
“No, no it’s true.”
Fine. You will be in my next story, with a large part. Deal?
“You are the boss.”
Get out of my head now.
“I can only try.”
Leo steps off stage, does a quick wave, and completely disappears. The audience claps.
I need some coffee. [louder] Thank you to everyone who watched this. Now I’ve got to leave before security finds me! See ya!
[This is what happens when you leave me with only my thoughts to play with.]